Archive for January, 2012


This has been an incredible, interesting, as well as hard week.

The hard part was that my husband/Daddy felt that after three years of struggling to understand and retrain S, she has failed to meet his expectations and as of today has been released. Having her kneeling in front of us bawling as he took off her leather temporary collar, begging to be forgiven was really hard to deal with as I could feel her pain. I know this was the right thing for him to do as he was only becoming more and more resentful of their misunderstood relationship which began causing problems with our own relationship due to me trying to mediate as well as being the outlet for him to express his frustration. I think, had his relief method been more constructive, then I could have handled things a little differently, but even so. If a person isn’t compatible with another, the worst thing to do is try to force it, or fake it. Therefore this was the best decision.

Due to this situation, we got put into another situation of.. what to do now. As she is a part of the family. She needs guidance, and the three children attached to her are now also our kids and that is something that we don’t want to change. Not only because we have fallen in love with them, but also because we have taken them from a non constructive situation, to one that is now stable and constructive. In short, we will not hurt them. So, being that I have been doing it anyhow, I will continue to be her guidance. One day at a time.

The incredible and interesting thing is that I have been talking to my son either everyday or every other day and it has been amazing. At first I was really nervous about being open with how I live, but after talking to him and expressing that I don’t want there to be anything that is kept between us, a whole new world has opened up. I even had the BDSM discussion with him. That was awkward, but I didn’t want to shock him when he comes to visit. He has a natural Dominant tendency already and I rather guide him towards appropriate education than watch him flounder. He is a rather cocky cuss, but a part of me wonders if that is him puffing up in order to impress as a way to keep from being rejected. I will never reject him, or Kaitlyn. You love your children regardless of what they do, even if they fuck up, which happens. I sent him a phone which is on our account so that he will be able to call or text me anytime once he is out of the group home. I admit, I still have fears that his dad will do something to his phone when he goes to visit. But I hope not. My son says that he has changed a lot, and I do really hope so. I have moved on from that part of my life and I do hope the best for him.  Anyhow, he is really excited about coming to visit, and so are we. There are many people who have been waiting years to see him. I think we will throw him a party when he gets here.

I have been struggling with my own submission lately as more often than not, it seems like I have so many responsibilities to keep up with that I don’t have time to give that extra mile to Daddy and Master. But I came to realize today while going over things with S, that I can make time, as I do take pride in my submission. I know that there is so much to learn and I really do want to delve into that education so that I can be of better service as their submissive, and lovers. I love them both dearly and do not ever see my life without them. Both are very different and I love everything about them, even when they are being moody. I am grateful for every moment that I have with them. So I am glad for this awakening.

Until tomorrow. Goodnight from lil girl.

 

My weekend started out rough as both Master and I were feeling so crappy on Friday that we didn’t get to do our date night. But, something good came out of this. I was a bit out of it from taking a vicodin for my cramps getting so bad.. but then my phone rang, I noticed that the number was not something I recognized, and not a 1-888 number signifying a creditor..  But no, it was my son who I haven’t talked to in 15 years. I was so nervous, and it didn’t help that I was hormonal so I couldn’t contain my tears now and again.

Saturday I still wasn’t feeling great and our friend Myz was over. We all just hung out and watched movies. It was really nice. I didn’t hear from Master much but I know he was resting.

Today we slept in and then we had a big breakfast and took off to go and see the horses. It’s been awhile since we have seen them due to car troubles, money for gas, and time. But, I really miss them. I was happy that Major is finally calmer so that I was able to catch him. Unfortunately, someone stole my tack caddy, so all of my combs and brushes are gone so I didn’t get to brush out his dread mane, but that will soon be taken care of. We also brought in Freyja and brushed her down and I worked with her feet. She had a bit of a kicking spat, but we worked through it. We wormed them both as they were pretty bloated.  Myz and Ivy couldn’t catch April.. such a brat. And Myz met with the mud while trying to catch Freyja. I felt really good being able to go out and take care of them. We will definitely be doing that more often.

I came home and took a bath, as my temperature gauge is broken so I needed it to bring back up my core temperature. While in the bath I decided to try and give Christian a call. My heart still flutters even thinking about it, and it takes courage to call as I still fear rejection. But when he got on the phone and said “Hi Mom” all of my fears melted away. I talked to him about his graduation, and told him that Matt and I would like to be there for his graduation and he was really excited. I then asked him about internet access and his ability to use a cell phone. He said that in two and a half weeks he will be able to be online and use a cell phone. So I told him that I would like to buy him a cell phone, and we would cover the cost of the service, that way he could always call me, or text me without worry of being limited. He was really excited about that. I am too. I can now understand the feeling that my mom had when she screwed something up and either forgot to tell me that she wasn’t coming home, or I had to deal with one of her drunken fits which I usually ended up injured from and she would take me out to eat, or buy me something the next day. I don’t want our relationship to be like that, but at the same time, especially with something like a cell phone, it is important to both of us. But I do admit that I feel guilt for all of this time that we have been separated and I want to take care of them. So.. there is nothing wrong with spoiling him a little bit.. right? Did I mention how incredible it is to hear him call me mom? I have read and seen so many cases where children who have been separated for so long won’t even consider calling the absent parent mom, or dad.. so this really means a lot to me.

After the call, I quickly showered and got out then made meatloaf for dinner. We watched Step Up 3, and then Burlesque after that. I had never seen either one of these but I love to dance, and love to watch dance. Especially burlesque. I have always had an interest in the 20′s to 40′s and especially Burlesque. I find it alluring and sensual. As I explained it to Matt, it is one thing when someone just goes out onto a dance floor and dances, no one thinks anything of it, but when you burlesque dance.. people pay attention, it affects people’s moods, and usually in a good way.. it is memorable. That is what I love about it… I love to positively affect someone’s mood, including my own.

We ended the night getting ready for school tomorrow. It is exciting, and scary. Exciting because it is something new. Scary because it is something new and our future depends upon how well we do in these classes. But, we can do it. Until tomorrow.

 

Goodnight from little girl

The week before school starts is always hard as is recovering from the holidays. My mind is focused upon my D/s and family schedules, bills, activities, Submission in Motion, and now school. This is my third term and I am taking four classes this time. Another anthropology class, Intermediate Algebra ( Math is not my strong point. ), a Computer Applications class, and a Photoshop class.  I am looking forward to them, but I am also stressed as home life, not even with my husband or my Master is complicated.

Today I have been rather fatigued. I am sure I am fighting the attempts to getting a cold. I took a bath this morn then went on with my day and was completely exhausted by 1.

At 3:20 my roommate checked the mail and I received a letter from my step dad and his wife with a printed copy of an email from my cousin’s husband who is an Oregon State Trooper and he had looked up my son’s information and found him in Riverside Ca. A phone number was provided. I sat in the recliner and shook. Fear, excitement, shock, disbelief.. are just some of the beginning emotions that I am feeling. I got myself well enough under control emotionally that I was able to call the number on the email. The number went to a “Children’s Therapeutic Community”  which evidently manages foster homes that help children with disturbed pasts. Seeing that alone was hard.. as this means that he was put into a foster home…. I talked to the lady there who then referred me to another lady who from my understanding was his case manager. When I called, she was a parole officer. My mind is running rampant and I am being questioned as to who I am.. how many ways can a person say, I am his mother.. But, I do understand that I have never been mentioned before, and how would she know who I am. I answer a few of her questions and then get told that she needs to find out what she is able to tell me and do as far as letting me talk to him. So now I am again at the whims of someone else who has control of whether or not I can talk with my son. But, at least there is a chance. So I wait for the return phone call.